"Eighties! I'm living for the Eighties."

"Eighties!
I'm living in the Eighties."

Things I saw on the Fug site today:

Kids, you are making me HATE the Eighties, and let me tell you that is NO MEAN FEAT.

Jessica Fug is right about this one looking like that one, though. I'm not sure what that says about ZE's career longevity. Good thing he's making a lot of money while he can!

TRACK LISTING: Killing Joke, "Eighties"

"Don't stop! Don't stop the dance."

"No -- more music!
Don't stop the dance."

Things I saw on television tonight:

SAAA-BRA! SAAA-BRA!

It sounds totally lame to say "She's the one I wanted to win" because anyone can say that AFTER the results of a competition have been announced, but it's true! I LOVE Sabra. She's a great, deserving dancer, and in light of the previous winners, it was encouraging to think that a female -- a non-white female -- a short, non-white female (haha) -- could be the champion. Besides, it would have felt like something of a boring, easy cheat if a sibling of a previous winner or runner-up had taken the title of AMERICA'S FAVORITE DANCER^TM, no matter how awesome that sibling might be.

Seriously, though, so many of this year's crop was awesome. Ah! I loved them so. Jesús! Anya! Hok, so persevering! Sara, dear Sara! Hammy, hammy Dominic! Lauren, cute as a button! Pasha the gentleman (who shouldn't have placed such high value on shirtlessness -- have we learned nothing from Dmitry?)! Even you, The Dude (the Most Improved)! I will miss all of you as much as I will miss Sabra and Danny and Lacey. And oh! wait! There's more! Miss Cat (so lovely)! Wade Robson's kooky, herky-jerky routines! Guest judge Adam Shankman! Come back! Come back! I need an excuse to sit around doing nothing while eating ice cream.

Sigh. I think I need a moment.

TRACK LISTING: Bryan Ferry, "Don't Stop the Dance"

"I said, 'Don't stop the dance!'"

"Maybe
this is our last chance!"

Things I saw on TV tonight:

One of my guiltiest pleasures coming to a season's end.

How sad is it that this is appointment television for me?

TRACK LISTING: U2, "Two Hearts Beat as One"

"I wanna go to cool places with you!"

"Cool places tonight!"

Things I saw online today:

Pam is a Troma girl!

Sure, she's married to a Troma guy, but she's made a film of her own for the company! Granted, it's not typical Troma fare, but still....

I guess it just makes me imagine that JF is one of the real cool girls in the neighbourhood, and maybe when she's not on the set she hangs out with the cool "LC" and does cool, relaxed things that don't actively court the paparazzi, and maybe if Lauren Ambrose didn't live in New York they'd all hang out together, except maybe there would be occasions when JF and LC wouldn't call LA because she might be kind of a drag, like that Saturday night when they didn't care and just went to see The Ex because, you know, whatever, right? It sounded like fun at the time.

TRACK LISTING: Sparks with Jane Wiedlin, "Cool Places"

"Just a little more time is all we're asking for!"

"'Cause just a little more time
could open closing doors."

Things I saw in a flashy sidebar ad on Gawker:

Wow. This might actually be for reals! (Also, its presence on the Gawker site is now interesting because it calls to mind this recent article, a report that suddenly appears to be more than just coincidental timing on the part of all involved.)

I don't know that The Two Coreys is long for this world (and the show hasn't even premiered yet), but I do know and am ashamed to admit that if we still had cable at home, I would probably tune in to at least one episode. Oh, sigh.

Well, happy weekend, everybody! Dream a Little Dream and don't let the goddamn, shit-sucking vampires get you down, etc etc.

(Oh, and on a slightly related, former-teen-heartthrobs note, "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do" is playing on the radio right now, but all I can think about is how Beverly Hills, 90210 has ruined this song for me FOREVER. Bah!)

TRACK LISTING: Corey Hart, "Never Surrender"

[NOTE: The image above is a photo of Corwin "Corey" Fox during his high school years, to carry the themes of "Corey" and "teenagers" as far as possible.]

"She made me smile!"

"Oh, she made me laugh!"

Things I saw today, in response to this article on Gawker:

A comment that probably supplied enough amusement for my whole week. (This is probably a sad fact.)

This comment was also pretty funny, though its appearance after the preceding comment gives it a mild aura of also-ran. Too bad.

Anyway, I suppose I hate message boards just a little bit less today.

TRACK LISTING: Chris Rea, "Bombollini"

[UPDATE 25-Jul-07: This just in! This just in! Oh shit! "For a Man or a Woman"! "AC/DC"! "Katrina No.5"! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahaha]

"I really pity you, and I don't want you."

"It's so hard
to face your face!"

Things I saw today, courtesy of The Fug Girls:

Oh, good lord.

If Mary Jo Eustace is crying her heart out over this douche, I am positive that her tears will dry immediately upon seeing his look in that photo. Yikes!

Certainly Miss Jobs standing there beside him deserves half the extramarital blame, no? Unfortunately, I often forget as I am too blinded by my adoration of her officiating gay weddings. Also there was that funny, Scientologyunidentifiable cult-skewering episode of her mostly not-so-great show. I liked that episode, so obviously I am beyond help.

If it's any consolation to you guys, though, she'll probably end up looking like Amanda Lepore one day, at which point "McFugmott" will feel compelled to leave her and crawl back into the hole from whence he came. (And I don't mean Canada, jerks.) Then TS can go hang out with Heatherette (or something)! I'm not sure if this is a happy or sad future.

TRACK LISTING: The Dickies, "Hideous"

[NOTE: The image above is a detail from page 4 of "Archie in 'Happiness Is'", taken from Betty and Veronica: Double Digest Magazine No.35 (Archie Comic Publications, 1992).]

"Their floors are stick-E-Mart!"

"Let's hurl a brick-E-Mart!"

Things I saw in the news today:

Kwik-E-Marts abound!

While this is a pretty funny and clever marketing campaign for the long awaited (by TOTAL NERDS) Simpsons Movie, it would have been so much MORE super-genius if the wizards behind this makeover had only converted stores in towns named Springfield. No? (And possibly "D'oh!" Sorry -- couldn't resist, even though I must.)

TRACK LISTING: Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, Jr., "Who Needs the Kwik-E-Mart?"

"Yeah man, how you doin'?"

"You good?
I know you like that!"

Things I saw online today:

Conan with an awesomely smarmy sidekick!

Sure, this isn't the funniest "In the Year 2000" ever, and maybe Will Arnett isn't the best co-host that Conan has had for this series -- and honestly, sometimes it's more enjoyable to watch an episode of "Celebrity Secrets" -- but...man. I turned the sound on at the office just to hear this clip, then realized as it rolled that I could have left the speakers muted and still found it hilarious. It's all in Arnett's face! Even when he's trying not to crack up! (Okay, fine, so it's a little in Conan's reactions, too. They work well together! Who needs Andy Richter? (Um, sorry, Andy Richter! You're good, too!) Okay, moving on.)

"I think I have the lock on this teenage asshole thing," James Spader remarked decades ago*; it's clear now that Will Arnett totally owns the adult version. (And thus, Miguel Ferrer can safely ease into the role of middle-aged asshole.)

Nice to see you again, G.O.B.!

TRACK LISTING: Mase, "Welcome Back"

*Thank you, Pretty in Pink DVD extras!

"I am a human and you are a machine."

"How can I communicate
exactly what I mean?"

Things I saw in a dream at approximately six o'clock this morning:

My dad's house, with special guests.

The television is on. A music video is playing; it features John Hodgman singing some sort of indie-ish folk rock. Justin Long is sitting on one of the counters in the kitchen -- the one where my dad and stepmother usually keep their microwave oven -- and the small space has forced him to fold up a little, with his back against the wall and his knees pressed to his chest. He looks a bit forlorn, or bored, with his head resting against the Milk Calendar. I turn to him and laugh.

"Isn't it funny how we don't even use this guy's name anymore? We just call him 'PC'!" Justin doesn't respond.

"They call YOU 'The Mac Guy'!" I tell him. No reaction. I'm not sure why I expect anything other than annoyance, though even that feeling doesn't seem to register on his face.

Justin Long is ignoring me. I am slightly disappointed as I am somewhat fond of him, as I have a soft spot for anyone who was involved with Galaxy Quest. I open my mouth to mention Live Free or Die Hard but am perplexed about phrasing, so I close my mouth without saying a word.

TRACK LISTING: Schoolhouse Rock (Jaime Aff & Bob Kaliban), "Software"

"Your physique is swelling and your waistline's telling!"

"And I guess you're gonna miss
a lot of school!"

Things I saw on the big screen today:

Grounds for a lawsuit!

Seriously, though, I feel stupid for paying any attention to the litigation, as the claim made by Rebecca Eckler is ridiculous, frivolous, and quite possibly just a publicity stunt from a woman who is notoriously self-absorbed.

Speaking of navel gazing (both literal and figurative, in Eckler's case)
-- and since we're on the subject of alleged intellectual theft -- the infamous Apatow-Brazill e-mail exchange never fails to amuse. "You're a hack!" "No, YOU'RE a hack!" "You, sir, are nothing more than a television writer!" (I ripped that last bit off, sort of, from a line that Warden Gentiles spits at Tobias while Tobias is attempting "prison research" for his upcoming role as Frightened Inmate No.2. "You're no more than a television actor," the warden tells him, or something like that. Sure, sure, it's not the funniest joke in the episode, but I told you that I recently watched a lot of Arrested Development, so I've got the whole series on the brain. Now, where were we? Ah, yes:) And so on. My favorite part of the exchange involves Apatow throwing down a "J'accuse!!!!" Take that, Brazill! Anyway, speaking of Apatow, and amusement...

I very much enjoyed Knocked Up! Okay, so the scene in which Alison has her eight-week ultrasound was a little difficult to watch as it hit a bit too close to home, but it was certainly less difficult to watch than the crowning close-ups (which I didn't watch at all, in fact, preferring instead to bury my head in PF's shoulder. Yes, that's right! I am TOTALLY ready to have a baby). Aside from these instances, I thought my $12 was quite well spent. I mean, I laughed a lot more than I thought I would -- throughout the entire movie, really -- and I haven't laughed that hard in a movie theater for a long time. It was kind of therapeutic, actually, and definitely one of the best ways to spend our Saturday afternoon.

TRACK LISTING: Dan Baird, "Knocked Up"

"Now I never wanna leave my apartment!"

"'Cause there's just so much
for me to see!"

Things we saw at home today:

The last gasp of cable.

It's true -- we cancelled our cable service. Not just the extra channels, either. THE WHOLE THING. It's antenna reception for us now!

For those who know me, the first reaction must be disbelief. I have been a television junkie since I was a toddler. I think I turned out alright, considering -- I mean, I certainly wasn't the most physically active child, but hey, my grades were good -- and I frequently left the country without needing to record all the programs I was missing while I was away. Still, as an adult, I often wondered what I might be doing with my time if I wasn't planted in front of the television, endlessly flipping channels. I would have liked to have read more books, maybe gone for more walks, or actually emerged from the house and what have you.

I'm hoping that I won't just spend my free time with the internets, staring at LOLpresidents and shit, but we'll see. Maybe I'll actually post a blog entry EACH DAY, as opposed to four days' backlog once a week. Who knows? We're kind of embarking on an experiment here.

Obviously, this is the easiest time of year to (literally) cut the cord. It's summer rerun time! The weather is nice and it's asking us if we wouldn't like to come to the park and kick around a soccer ball. We might do exactly that! I may not even miss television after all -- and besides, if I'm desperate, I can find a lot of shows on non-cable channels -- but you might want to check back with me when the new fall season rolls around and I'm having trouble bit-torrenting the garbage I want to stuff into my eyeballs.

TRACK LISTING: Weird Al Yankovic, "Cable TV"

"Look at that caveman go!"

"He sure is hip, ain't he?"
Like,
what's happening?
He's too much!"

Things I saw today while wasting time on the internets:

ABC, clearly trying to stamp out any goodwill I might have felt towards those adorable Geico mascots.

TRACK LISTING: The Hollywood Argyles, "Alley-Oop"

"A billion souls all dying to know me."

"Well here I am!
Loaded with promise
and knee deep in grace."

Things I saw while floating around a foreign land:

The unexpected kindness of strangers, as a fellow Canadian heading into town for a business meeting offers me a ride on his dime. He doesn't ask me for anything. I am floored. After pulling over at his stop, he hands the driver enough cash to get me where I need to go, including tip.

The driver doesn't mind the extra mileage and as we crawl through mid-morning traffic I see the beauty of New York City on a rainy day -- or any day, for that matter. I feel like Serge Gainsbourg singing about "New York USA". Waldorf-Astoria, oh! C'est haut! It's almost mythical and more than stunning.

The driver and I talk to pass the time. He is friendly and sharp and proud of his business. He was recently granted US citizenship! Wow, it was only three days ago! He's beaming. His father sponsored him; now he, his wife, his son, his older sister and his much younger brother all live here. His mother is still "back home" and he is making plans to bring her to New York, too. He has lived here for ten years and cannot imagine living anywhere else.

Later, in the East Village, I run into Ron Livingston. Well, not so much "run into" as "walk past without trying to stare". Hey, do you know that I, like countless others who have accosted you in the middle of a sidewalk, love Office Space? Also, Swingers, right? That was really great, too. These are things I could have said to him, but didn't.

Back on East 11th, Gloria Reuben is across the street, looking for something or someone, pacing a little, doubling back. Someone yells something at her, possibly the name of one of the characters she's played, possibly something flattering, possibly something lecherous. She waves, smiles, hails a cab. I am fond of her, perhaps only because she is another fellow Canadian.

The last thing I see before Kimmmmmyyyyy and I head out to meet up with PF and the kitty is the guiltiest of guilty pleasures, or at least one of the guiltiest. Kimmy justifies the detour as "retail therapy" and I follow my own dubious logic, that it's okay to spend money at a store that doesn't exist in Toronto. In my defense, at the time, I didn't know how fleeting that excuse would be.

TRACK LISTING: Prefab Sprout, "Hey Manhattan!"

"I know sometimes I can be all wrapped up and into me."

"Say enough is enough!"

Things I saw on TV last night:

A spokesmodel trying to pass as a musician.

[clearing throat]

"Dear Hilary (with apologies to Giulia),

This isn't about talent -- that sort of evaluation is terribly subjective and always hotly contested, anyway. This is about why are we calling it a music video? You've gone ahead and made a very long ad.

No doubt, all music videos are commercials in their own right, and the hip-hop world goes balls-out with product tie-ins all the time, but woman, PLEASE. I was all impressed that you decided to call out your ex-boyfriend and his junked-up toothpick of a girlfriend on your new, 'highly personal', record, but now it just seems like you constructed an album around a heartfelt song about perfume. Your single is a jingle.

I know you have a signature fragrance to launch and you want it to be a success, so of course you need to mass-market like there's no tomorrow, and maybe it's better that you're being totally obvious about your pitch. But really, it takes a special kind of shill to actually spray said fragrance on oneself, apropos of nothing, during the video. [See below; the money shot occurs at 1:06.] You couldn't have spritzed it on while you were still at home? If the scent is only worn in order to help the guy in the video identify you later, why even bother wearing the black wig disguise? You're no spy! Grr. I'm beginning to think that those shoes and that purse are Stuff by Duff, too! I suppose the new, huge teeth should have tipped me off to your disdain of subtlety...ah, subtlety...come back, subtlety! Subtle, subtle...subtle like those notes of mangosteen and chai latte and balsam and dfhjsfhdhrtenmfgjhkjhgouiuolmbbsfadadaxsxzzzsfssdghxxxxcmsdfmzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Maybe you need a new manager.

With Love,
Miss Imperial."

TRACK LISTING: Hilary Duff, "With Love"

[NOTE: That's LIQUID ICE in my photo, son! Ice-T represent! Or used to!]

"This strange transformation takes place in me."

"Instead of myself,
everybody can see
Mister Hyde,
Mister Hyde,
Mister Hyde,
Mister Hyde.
Hyde!"

Things I saw on the internet today:

An unsettling disappointment.

I want him to ABC: Always Be Charming, a-harhar. Can't he just be the gruff yet funny bear of a man who's settled so well into this new, character actor stage of his career?

Maybe it doesn't matter what he does. As the Gawker stalkers point out, we're always so willing to sympathize with or even blindly forgive him. Maybe this is because he can effortlessly and perfectly deliver a line like "Those shoes are definitely bi-curious" or "Does he know you're the Beeper King?" Perhaps it is simply because he blogs for The Huffington Post!

Maybe it just doesn't take much to permanently win our hearts. Sigh.

TRACK LISTING: The Who, "Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde"

"The conscious liberation of the female state!"

"The 'inferior sex'
got a new exterior!"

Things I saw at work today, after being sucked into the Internet Vortex:

People going CRAZY over an extremely straight-talking public access superstar from Atlanta.

Holy shit!


TRACK LISTING: Eurythmics with Aretha Franklin, "Sisters Are Doin' It for Themselves"

"Your prerogative in life it seems..."

"...is living out
an ad man's dream."

Why would I buy the DVD of a movie, before actually seeing said movie, just because someone told me it was good? What is this impulse? Does it have something to do with my fondness for-slash-crush on the writer-director? It only faintly reminds me of a television show that I enjoy -- certainly no guarantee that I'll love this movie as much as I love that show -- so what is the deal?

This need of mine to consume is crazy! Have I switched The Gaze from my (inexplicably) beloved Butterscotch Stallion* to the Mocha Pony**? Is it always about boy-hots with me? Bah!

TRACK LISTING: The Fall, "Idiot Joy Showland"

*Thank you, Defamer!
**Thank you, Gawker!

"Bark! Uhhhhh..."

"Bark! Uhhhhh..."

I have pink eye on the brain! (Yes, that play on words was intentional, and terrible. Sorry.)

Seriously, this affliction is taking on urban-legendary proportions in my head, like some bloody hook hanging off a car door handle. It's an ingredient for a joke and almost unreal. I mean, I don't want to catch pink eye myself, and I don't wish it upon anyone, though it would be interesting to see it in person, and possibly up close.

It's fascinating! I only know it from what I believe was an episode of 3-2-1 Contact -- in which a sandwich prepared by a conjunctivitis-ridden short-order cook carries the infection to the Contact gang, putting one of them into something like a coma, and killing their poor kitty (who ate the bulk of the sandwich after the woman about to go into a coma left it unattended) -- so pink eye'd food can kill! THAT is terrifying to a young child watching PBS! (It must be noted, however, that I am not entirely certain that the pink eye fiasco was an episode of 3-2-1 Contact. I watched a LOT of television as a kid.)

Also, there was that story a friend told me about another friend going to a male strip club for her birthday. She got a lap dance! On stage! "And the man's junk was THIS close to her face!" Anyway, she had pink eye the next day, and punchline status for the rest of her life.


TRACK LISTING: Ween, "Pink Eye (On My Leg)"

[NOTE: That is Rocky, the lovely (non-bushy) Bichon Frise, in the photo above. He does NOT have pink eye.]

"Lightweights? I really can't stand 'em."

"Who's gettin' messed up?"

We've just flipped the channel onto the closing bars of a Sanjaya rendition of No Doubt's "Bathwater"!

Okay -- maybe I'm going crazy/tone deaf -- but I thought he sounded fine this time. It appears that he's gaining some much-needed (real) confidence, and that this confidence is in turn strengthening his voice. He might not have been fantastic, but I believe he was on-key (although what I believe to be "on-key" shouldn't be granted much authority, honestly). That's not exactly high praise for someone participating in a singing competition, but then again, that someone isn't just anyone. He's The Malakar!

To paraphrase Simon Cowell's comment following tonight's performance: "I have a feeling that what we think doesn't matter anymore." Which reminds me -- check out Vote for the Worst! I see their point and, at the risk of seeming like an Idol killjoy, it's pretty funny that the system itself is being used to totally F the system up.

TRACK LISTING: Lady Sovereign, "Gatheration"